Eating Humble Pie

According Mame Dennis (as played by Rosalind Russell in the original movie version of Auntie Mame),

"Life is a banquet and most sons of bitches are starving to death."

I could not agree with her more.

While I wasn’t lucky enough to have Mame Dennis for my Auntie Mame, I was blessed with having an Uncle Bob, or as he sometimes refers to himself, my Uncola. And for the record, the world would be a whole lot more fun if we all had an Uncola Bob like mine.

The Real Uncola, Bob Gregson in 2011

I adore my uncle for so many reasons, not the least being his never-ending passion for having fun.

My uncles Mark, Chris and Bob Gregson having fun with the new blocks I got for Christmas in 1964. That's me in the cool bow tie.

It was my uncle Bob who introduced me to the music I love, old movies, art and so much more.

A younger Bob with a few of his fun things

It was Bob who showed me how important it is to have fun just for the sake of having fun. My Uncle Bob has always been more than just a favorite relative of mine; he has been one of my closest friends.

My uncle and me in March of 2002

To say that I adore my uncle Bob is putting it mildly.

Ever since Bob was in college, he has been creating fantastic large-scale art events and celebrations.

Bob Gregson prepares for a Radiophonic event

Back in the spring of 1978, I was a high school sophomore trying to decide how to spend my summer break. I decided to ask my uncle Bob if he would allow me to could come spend the summer with him in Connecticut so that I could help him put on his summer events. I could think of no better way to spend my high school summer vacation than to spend it shadowing him and helping with his work.

But it was never to be.

One night while waiting to hear back from my uncle, my mother came into my bedroom with a letter that she asked me to read. It was from my Uncle Bob.

The letter, which was written to my mother, explained that although he would love to spend time with me, he felt it was not a good idea because he was gay. Many in my family considered Bob to be eccentric. Some in my family may have assumed that he was gay, but it had never been spelled out for us before. Suddenly I was forced to accept a reality that I really wasn' t ready for.

I read the passage in the letter over and over again. I felt crushed by the realization that if Bob was gay this meant he would never marry or have kids (a realization that greatly saddened me). I then began to wonder what this meant for me due to the fact that Bob and I were so much alike. Did this mean I could be gay too? Would people assume that I was gay because Bob was gay?

The next day I went to school, and though I felt I was okay, I really wasn’t. I was in my first class of the day when I became emotionally upset. I was so grief stricken in fact that I had to go to the nurse’s office. My mother was called to come take me home. I think I cried the rest of the day. It was that traumatic for me.

While I hadn't forgotten the event, I had forgotten just exactly how I processed the emotions until about a week ago when I cleaned out my steamer trunk and came across my high school journal.

There is a saying that goes: If we really want to cure cancer, we should ask a teenager while they still know everything. There is also a saying that goes: Just wait until you get older, then you will understand.

This is me back in 1979 when I still thought I knew everything.

Like most teenagers, I felt like I had a pretty good idea of what was right and what was wrong. As an adult, I can clearly see just how naïve that thinking was.

During my junior year of high school I took a speech class with Midlothian High School’s highly respected and beloved drama teacher Katherine Baugher. As part of her speech class, she would randomly instruct her students to take out their journals and begin writing about a topic.

One day I started writing about marriage. I wrote that I felt sorry for those people who, for one reason or another, would never marry. I then thought about my uncle Bob who I knew would never marry.

That got me writing about my reaction to the previous year’s news that Bob is gay. I wrote that I knew I would never be able to accept his lifestyle. While I love him and never blamed him for being gay or consider it a fault, it was never the less something I felt was a cause for great sadness. I remarked that while I knew I needed to become more open minded, I still felt pity for him.

To be fair, life in the late 1970s was much more difficult for a gay person than it is today.

Still, being the man I am today and reading those words I wrote as a teenager made me feel sick to my stomach all over again, but this time for a totally different reason. This time I was the gay man. To think that the younger me would not have been able to accept the me I am today saddened me. I was so ashamed of myself for once feeling that way. I knew at that moment just what it feels like to eat humble pie.

The recipe for Humble pie is easy. You simply apologize and face your humiliation. Reading those words was personally humiliating to me, even if they were the words of a young and naïve 16 year old me. Still, I feel compelled to apologize for my ignorance.

Thankfully I can forgive myself. As a parent I have seen my own kids learn and evolve in their thinking. Gratefully time allowed my thinking to evolve as well.

As it turned out, I was able to become more open minded. Bob waited for me to bring up the subject of his being gay. The next time Bob came for a visit, I took the opportunity to have a talk with him. I told him that I read the letter he sent Mom and that I knew he was gay. I also wanted him to know and that his being gay did not matter to me. I loved him for who he was, not who I had thought he was. That part of the story I am proud of.

Thankfully, our relationship has remained close.

Years later, Bob and his partner ( my Uncle Peter) attended my wedding to my former wife Hilary. When our son Jack was born, Bob was chosen to be his godfather. Many years later when I finally realized that I too was gay, Bob was one of the first people I was able to talk to about it.

In 2006, my partner Jim and I were fortunate enough to visit my uncles Bob and Peter when they celebrated their 30-year anniversary. As Jim and I sat among the other honored guests at their dinner party, I decided to make a toast to the happy couple.

This was my chance to thank them for all they had done for me. I raised my glass of champagne and said that I loved my uncles with all my heart. I wanted them to know that I was, and forever would be, eternally grateful to them because they had set such a fine example of what a loving couple could be.

Without them, I knew it would have been so much harder for my family to ever accept Jim and I as a loving, committed couple. Without people like Bob and Peter paving the way for other gay men and women, the gay community would never be able to live and love as openly as we do now.

So, do I still believe in the sanctity of marriage? Absolutely. I believe all people who are in loving, committed relationships; whether gay or heterosexual, deserve the right to be legally wed.

In fact, 7 years after Jim and I exchanged wedding rings in Paris, we intend to become legally wed in the United States on our wedding anniversary of September 19^th of this year.

In case you are wondering, Jim and I plan to celebrate our legal union with a slice of cake. I much prefer eating cake to eating humble pie any day.

Words to live by:

Be careful of the words you say.

And keep them soft and sweet.

For you never know from day to day.

Which ones you'll have to eat.